The Love Of My Life Was Stolen

October 20, 2000

This one, it’s a really tough one. This was the day my son was born. I had been in labor for 26 hours. I was alone. After being in labor since 2:00 in the morning my common law husband took me to the hospital at 8:30 in the morning, went to drop off my friends daughter that I was babysitting and went to work. I wouldn’t hear from or see him again until 6:30 that night at which point he stayed with me for 20 minutes, stated he was so hungry he was going to pass out and went home and got drunk. My day consisted of several ultrasounds and poked and prodded, I got an epidural with the nurse at my side. Very early the following morning, I went into hard labor and gave birth at 4:20 in the morning. I had my beautiful baby boy in my arms.

October 20, 2000

This was also the day my son died. While I had my son in my arms, he was gasping for breath because his lungs were underdeveloped. Within 20 minutes, he was breathing no more. My son – Tyler William – had died in my arms. The love of my life was stolen from me. I said goodbye to a lot things in my life by this point. This day was the single most difficult day of my life. It ripped apart my soul and eventually everything that I thought was good in my life fell apart. I threw the social worker out of my room. I threw the nurses out my room. The next two months would be spent in my apartment. I couldn’t leave. I just couldn’t. I freaked out and destroyed things. After a particularly horrible meltdown, the girl that lived upstairs from me and a friend took me outside to the park across the street. She actually made me go with her. We simply crossed the street and sat on the bench. She talked to me about nothing. She talked and talked and talked until I talked back. We went back into my apartment and we cleaned up that mess I had made. There was no judgement. She just helped me. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know where I’d be right now.

As much as I didn’t want it to, life moved forward. Eventually I did spiral into a sucking abyss of negativity and despair. My relationship failed and crashed. It was unhealthy to begin with. I have the WORST taste in men. I attract the douchiest of the douchbags. This guy, no exception. He cheated, stole, lied and treated me with such disrespect. This made everything so much more brutal. Combining all of this together was like being slowly burned alive, tied to a stake with a never ending supply of lighter fluid being sprayed on you. He left me with no self-esteem, an apartment that I could barely afford and a failing business that he ran into the ground. I can’t blame him for all of the business. It was technically my business – he worked for me. I blindly trusted him. I learned a very valuable (and extremely painful) lesson from that.  Question everything. If your name is on a business, you should always know what’s going on behind the scenes. Don’t agree to put your name on anything if you don’t plan on being involved and knowing what’s going on. It’s YOUR name that will be destroyed. Not anyone else, just yours. Even if they find out that someone else was the one to destroy your name, you’ll be labeled as a moron. I don’t know what is worse – having your name trashed as being a fraud or scammer or having people pity you for being stupid.

The death of my son started a five year descent into so much more pain than any person should ever have to live with. It started off as crippling. Eventually you learn to deal with the pain and accept it as part of your life. So many people tell you that you need to ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’, but how can you? It’s not something you just ‘get over’. Alcohol and drugs can help you forget and move on. Or, if you’re me you learned from being a survivor of years of abuse you learn to compartmentalize. Every excruciating thing or emotionally traumatic that I’ve ever had happen to me – I put it in a box and put it away. It open each box at a time I feel I can deal with it for an amount of time and when I need to stop, I have learned how to stop and close the box. It isn’t always as simple as that. I’ve found that the further along in life I go, it takes longer to close some boxes.  With all of the changes that I have personally gone through in this last year, my anxiety and depression have hit an all time low. Thankfully I do have some friendly folks in my life that have helped me. Most of them don’t even realize it. It’s true when ‘they’ say a small act of kindness can make a bid difference.

October 20, 2017

This day would be my sons 17th Birthday. A new friend in my life made this very difficult day better. Kept me smiling and laughing. He infuriates me like nobody’s business and confuses me to no end, however he did make this day better. Kept me and my mind occupied. The best part of that is that he didn’t even know. It took five years to drown in my own despair. I’ve spent the last twelve years trying to get myself out of this abyss. It’s difficult keeping my head above water. Some days I am holding on by my fingernails. Every day is a new experience. Sometimes it seems impossible, but I’m still here.

One foot in front of the other. Sometimes it’s a shuffle, sometimes I stumble, sometimes I sit completely still and wallow in it. I am, however still here and fighting. What more can I do at this point? I’m too stubborn to give up.

 

Startling Statistics of Sexual Abuse

Sexual Assault, child rape, incest – these are all taboo topics. I just can’t figure out why.

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If these numbers do not terrify you and make you scared for your child, it should! Predators are everywhere. Teachers, priests, parents, grandparents, family friends, family members, strangers and more. Teach your children to be distrustful of strangers. Give them a safe word. Teach your children that it is okay to not have to hug that creepy aunt or uncle. Make sure you have an open dialogue with your children. You are supposed to be their safe place and they need to know that you will believe them – even if it’s their brother/sister/parent/step-parent. You need to protect your children. If you don’t, they may become another statistic. No one should be.

What you need to know about the children at risk. 

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• 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys experience an unwanted sexual act.
• 4 out of 5 incidents of sexual abuse will occur before the age of 18.
• 95% of child sexual abuse victims know their perpetrator.
• Children and youth under 18 years of age are at greatest risk of being sexually assaulted by someone they know.
• While children and youth under the age of 18 represent only one-fifth of the population, (21%) they were victims in 61% of all sexual offences reported to police in 2002. (A total of 8,800 sexual assaults against children and youth were reported to police, 2,863 of which were sexual assaults against children and youth by family members.)
• 54% of girls under 21 have experienced sexual abuse; (22% of these female victims reported two or more sexual offences.)
• 31% of boys under 21 have experienced sexual abuse; (7% of these male victims reported two or more sexual offences.)
• 60% of all reported sexual assaults are against children.
• 30-40% of sexual assault victims are abused by a family member.
  Non-parental relatives – 35%
  Friends and Peers – 15%
  Stepfathers – 13%
  Biological Fathers – 9%
  Other Acquaintances – 9%
  Boyfriend/Girlfriend of Biological Parent – 5%
  Biological Mother – 5%
• Very few cases (2%) of substantiated sexual abuse involve a stranger.
• 64% of sexual offences reported to police took place in a residence.
• 26% took place in public and open areas.
• 11% took place in commercial places.
• Boys 4-7 years of age were 3 times more often the victims of sexual abuse than boys of other ages.
• Girls aged 4-7 and 12-17 were twice as likely to be victims of sexual abuse as girls aged 0-3 and 8-11.

Here are the statistics of what happens after sexual abuse.

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• 70% of sexual abuse survivors report excessive use of drugs & alcohol.
• 60% of women with panic disorder are victims of child sexual abuse.
• 76% of prostitutes have a history of child sexual abuse.
• Child victims of sexual abuse have been found to display a wide range of symptomology, such as: low self-esteem, guilt, self blame, social withdrawal, marital and family problems, depression, somatic complaints, difficulties with sexuality, eroticized behaviour and irrational fears.
• There has been retrospective correlation of psychiatric disorders in adulthood with unwanted childhood sexual experiences.
• The long-term consequences of childhood sexual experiences with adults have been demonstrated to include, anxiety, deliberate self-harm, depression, difficulties in interpersonal relationships, eating disorders, poor self-esteem, prostitution, and sexual dysfunction.
• Women who reported sexual abuse histories were more likely to report suicidal ideation at the time of hospitalization and a history of multiple suicide attempts.

 

#ProjectUnbreakable – Trigger Warning

Have you heard of Project Unbreakable?

Project Unbreakable is a photography project aiming to give a voice to survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence, and child abuse. Project Unbreakable has been featured in media outlets such as Glamour, TIME, Buzzfeed, and The Guardian. Unfortunately it was close in 2015, however their powerful message lived on. Then something amazing happened, they came back! They are once again up and running and spreading the word of #ProjectUnbreakable

If you are interested in participating by submitting in your own image, you may send an email to projectunbreakablesubmissions@gmail.com. All other questions/concerns can be sent to projectunbreakable@gmail.com. Please know that they unfortunately are unable to read messages sent via Tumblr.

You can also find them on Instagram Project Unbreakable on Instagram

Stop Victim Blaming and Shaming

This gallery contains 7 photos.

Relationshits

I have the worst taste in men. I’m attracted to men who are so bad for me. Sometimes mentally, sometimes physically but usually both. My choices in men that I get into relationships with are so unhealthy and toxic. I don’t understand what it is. I attracted the douchiest of douchbags. I have had the longest string of lemon relationships. It is either men who want to take material items from me or men who want to turn me into someone they used to know or just manipulate me. There is also a really interesting few who just like to get involved with someone who to torture them. There are a few classifications. The abuser. The narcissist. The psychopath. The sociopath. You name it, I’ve dated him.

So there was one man I dated who really wasn’t in any of the categories I listed above. He was a good guy. Unfortunately he had his own baggage and I somewhat paid the price. Hurt happens in many ways when it comes to being in a relationship. Mostly, I’ve had Relationshits. I am absolutely not a victim, although I have been in the past. I’ve been in some pretty horrible physically and mentally abusive relationships. I have suffered loss in ways that many people cannot fathom. I am, however a survivor.

I must also admit that I am also not innocent. While no person ‘asks for it’ in an abusive relationship, I have been in super toxic relationships where you and that other person are so wrong and horrible for each other and you make each other crazy. It’s almost like you have no control over those crazy thoughts going through your head and the stupid shit you do that seems like a rational idea at the time. For the record, it is not – nor is it ever!! When you’re mad, it is never a good idea to act on those thoughts and ideas. Don’t go slash someone’s tires or throw a brick through their car or house window. Just don’t do it!

I have gotten to the point that it feel like no one can do something nice for me without thinking me being skeptical and trying to find out what thing I’m going to be asked for in return. I usually feel jaded. I feel damaged and broken for thinking this way, but it feels like a natural way to think now. There is only so much pain, betrayal and deception a person can take before it changes their soul and makes them harder. I am trying to change my negative experiences into positive outcomes. Unfortunately it is a huge undertaking. Every day is not a good one. However, every day is not a bad one either.

We all have some form of self-doubt at some point in our lives. It doesn’t matter how together you are or how perfect your life may or may not be. I struggle daily with not feeling like I am good enough along with the depression and anxiety that goes with it. Some days I cry, but some days I don’t.  At this point in my life, I am going through this thing. I have this new man and there is a lot of interest – on both sides. In the end, we both already know that this would never work out. It would absolutely go nowhere. We have a wicked connection, but a connection is not enough. We both want different things.  On the other hand, I have that man I mentioned earlier that I dated a few years ago. When we decided to go our separate ways, he had his baggage to deal with on his own. I was hurt and angry – in my life in general. It was clearly not the right time for us to be together. Our lives had led us back to each other.  I don’t know what will come of it. I can’t even guess if we’re ready to go into dating. I can’t guess about any of it. This whole post started off with a story about my horrible choice in men and seems to be ending with a positive view into what may come out of this latest moment of chance.

Here’s to whatever may come, I think?

Killing The Voices

How can you kill those voices that tell you that you that you are not good enough?

Therapy? Medication? I really do not know the answer to that. I can guess it is something that is different for every person out there. For me, I am at a loss. I really do not know how to get them out of my head. How do you squash something that has been there for as long as you can remember? I suppose that you have to start at the start. Who put them there? I know the answer to that for myself. What about you? Do you know where your voices came from?

Some time ago I came to the conclusion that some people should never be parents. I will never understand how you can raise a child to believe they are worthless and that they ruined your life. Just give the child up for adoption. There is abortion. If you don’t want to have children, there are operations you can have to prevent that. If you don’t want to be a parent, you have that choice available. Don’t become one! There is nothing saying you HAVE to keep a child that you don’t want. I want to stress this point. No one is forced to become and stay a parent. If someone has made you feel that way, they are wrong. You have choices. And no, it does not matter how the child was conceived. You do not need to make someone else suffer for your choices. Pregnancy is not a consequence of a choice that you have to live with. If you choose to not have an abortion, you have a tiny human being that needs to be nurtured and loved.

Rant concluded – mostly. It’s a really touchy subject for me, which is probably obvious at this point.

One day I would hear that I was loved but for the next five I would hear how awful I was and how I stupid and not good enough. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. Of course this was also present in my childhood home. The people who are meant to protect you, fail. Sometimes they are just cruel. Sometimes they are psychopaths or narcissists or they just don’t care at all. Any woman that knows her child is being sexually abused and does nothing is just as bad, if not worse than the one committing the crime. My step brother raped me when I was four years old. Mother did nothing to stop it. My dad never knew what had happened to me. He knew that he had physically assaulted me and threw him out for doing that. I know he would have done worse if he’d have known, but I never told him. After he was thrown out of the house, we never saw him again.

I kept that dark secret for 20 years. It ate away at me. It was like a cancer. It climbs inside you and eats away at all the good stuff that makes you happy. It takes everything away from you. It leaves you insecure, self-destructive, traumatized, hateful, mean, cruel, broken and damaged. You don’t have any control over how you feel or your impulsive actions. It’s like a movie. You can see what you’re doing. You can see how you are acting. It’s like someone else is doing it, but you can see it’s you. At times you just want to make people hurt like you hurt.

Surviving sex abuse is different for every person who lives through it. Some end up in drug or alcohol addiction, a string of abusive relationships, additions to other things to help them escape from the memories and pain. Some end up overly sexual, some end up the opposite. You just don’t know. The mind is a wondrous marvel or it can be a cruel, cursed trap making you relive your worst moments.

Some days it’s like you are asleep and something wakes you up. Unfortunately for survivors of sexual abuse, you never know what that thing is that’s going to wake you up until it’s there.

 

Surviving Freedom?

How does one survive freedom?

I am trying to figure that one out. When you grow up believing that you aren’t worth it, it doesn’t just go away. That gets bigger and bigger and turns into the shadow that covers everything in your life. One day you realize that the people you are surrounded by are toxic and poisoning and killing you one thought at a time. For me, I cut them loose. Removed them from my life entirely. Because the main toxic and poisoning person in my life was my mother so unfortunately, that shadow never went away.

That shadow created by a few of those who helped create this person I have become seeped into every part of my new life without those toxic people. You can’t create something new and great from something that is broken and damaged from the core. You have to deal with where that shadow came from, the person it created, the things that happened while you were that person and then you can transform into the person you should be now.

‘For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.’

‘For every action, there are consequences.’

It amazes me that people out there believe that you can truly believe you can create a family of your own out there from your ‘good friends’. At the end of the day, they go to their parents and their brothers and sisters and the people they share blood with and you are alone. I feel and have always felt that at the end of the day I am alone. The only person I can honestly count on is myself. If I let myself down, I’m the only one responsible. I own it. I do better. It just seems that no matter how much time I volunteer to help others or ‘good deeds’ I perform, I am just alone at the end of the day and that’s that.

I don’t believe in family the way others do. Family are people who hurt you and treat you like crap. As much as I adored my dad, he never really knew. I was an awful teenager who took all of that pain I had inside of me and put it on everyone else. No wonder everyone though I was crazy. I had no idea what I was doing. In the end, everyone leaves.

You see things for what they really are in time. I was an asshole. I was rude. I was cruel. Unfortunately I was also hurt, in pain and had been broken from the inside. I knew but didn’t know what I was doing. Some believed that I knew and didn’t care. I felt remorse. I felt pain, so much pain. I cried a lot.

Technically, I am free of all of those people that made me. Sadly they are still inside of me. They haunt me. They tell me I’m not worth it. They make me feel like I am not good enough. They tell me I will fail. Every day I fight them. Every day I try to prove them wrong. Every day I try to make sure they don’t win this fight. Most days, I fail. I am still here though.